Bear and Forbear

Loving husbands are always misjudged as the types that are ruled by their wives (under the saya, in colloquial terms), or in short, henpecked. Those who cannot say no to the wives’ wishes are more often than not branded as that. Suspicions are made stronger when a husband often declines invites to join drinks or paint the town red causing them to think that the wife holds sway and has the say. In a drinking session, for example, a man is taunted simply by getting up immediately when his wife hollers. Scenarios that some say are typical in the Philippines.

I think it is not fair to misconstrue a husband who lovingly gives in to his wife’s wishes as under the saya. It is has become a norm, particularly in the Philippines, where buddies would pressure a group mate by taunts like under the saya, or walang buto, (henpecked), to force one to join gimmicks. These circumstances often lead to a couple’s misunderstandings and fights, and worse, separation.

But are there really husbands ruled by their wives? There are. How a person can identify one is easy. I have the following notes from Rules for Husbands and Wives by Mathew Carey:

She (a good wife) will never attempt to rule, or appear to rule her husband. Such conduct degrades husbands—and wives always partake largely of the degradation of their husbands.

She (a good wife) will avoid all altercations or arguments leading to ill-humour—and more especially before company.

When a wife dominates, it is easily seen as ruling her husband. She commands and forgets her position as wife who should comply with her husband’s wish. She shouts at him in front of his comrades and does not lower her voice in an argument. She does not have respect for her husband at all.

And if a husband lets this happen it is just to say he is ruled by his wife. He is under the saya. Love is not enough reason to let your partner treat you as inferior, not as an equal. More so, it should be the reason you should demand respect and sort out the situation.

As Mathew Carey puts it across:

Should differences arise between husband and wife, the contest ought to be, not who will display the most spirit, but who will make the first advances. There is scarcely a more prolific source of unhappiness in the married state, than this "spirit," the legitimate offspring of pride and want of feeling.

Perhaps the whole art of happiness in the married state, might be compressed into these two maxims—“Bear and forbear”—and “let the husband treat his wife, and the wife treat her husband with as much respect and attention, as he would a strange lady, and she a strange gentleman." And surely this is not an extravagant requisition.

You are henpecked, or under the saya (Philippines, colloquial) if:

• You fear your wife. You do not fear a wife, you respect her.
• You are submissive to your wife.  This is more the role of a wife.
• You daydream of getting away but do nothing.
• You jump when you hear your wife's voice.
• You are overwhelmed by the nagging.  A husband do not allow this situation.
• You feel controlled.  There should not be a power struggle.
• You are humbled, humiliated, treated like dirt.  You are a human being!